i am afraid of love.

one of the questions on the laughing lotus teacher training application asks 'what would it mean to get in touch with the parts of you that are often neglected?'

immediately, i focused on the parts of me i hate. which are a lot. i compare myself to others too much. i throw myself into a pose too quickly (hello, pulled hamstring). i dont think i am good enough. i think people hate being around me. i think i am a failure at my job. i hate the way i sound when i om. im not there enough for family/friends. im too self-absorbed with my practice. im the first to put myself down. list goes on. and on.

while digging through these self-defeating thoughts i have about myself, im forgetting that my main goal in life is to love myself, and then let love flow into my life. and there it is - love. the part of myself i neglect. because i am so scared of love, i put up barrier after barrier (in this case, barriers are my self-defeating thoughts) to NOT make myself loveable - to a point where i cant even love myself.

this is real.

i am not a girl who walks around looking for love. i dont have a prince charming. hell, i barely even expectations anymore when it comes to men i date.

i am terrified of love.

i have had heart break after heart break and suffered some pretty difficult losses - especially with people i have loved. i have in my mind that if i love myself again, and let someone love me, tomorrow - they will hurt me. they will leave. i will be alone. it's what happens. it's a ritual in my life. i have in my mind that i am really not good enough for anyone, and when someone showers me with affection, i think that the person sitting next to me is probably better for them.

so, what would it mean to get in touch with a part of you that is neglected? the truth comes out. the layers begin to shed. i become honest with myself. my inner light shines. i know that i do enough ~ i am enough. i practice that uncomfortable pose. i let go of the aversion i have to the inversion - both on the mat and off the mat. i fall in love with myself, because i know that i am worthy of it. and worth it. the self-improvement starts now.

my yoga teacher was adjusting me not too long ago when she said "you are loving. you are loveable. you are loved".

it stuck with me. it was a note to self that i knew i needed to hear. i just needed to digest it. and accept it for the truth it is. i am loved. i am loveable. and i am loving... especially to myself.

love & peace,

m xo

yoga'ing with my best friend.

i have met some really amazing people both on and off the mat. my friends who i have met on the mat are some of the truly most amazing and inspiring people. they are also the people who GET me & support these whacky dreams of mine. however! i do have to say the same about my friends off the mat - my friends who have known me before i began my relationship with yoga and during some of my most darkest times.

my best friend from off the mat is the sweetest little heart named george. i met him when i was twelve and an awkward seventh grader. (we're now 27). he's my absolute soulmate, life partner (even though he lives with his partner and their puppy) and my traveling companion. we've lost parents together, we've cried together and we've challenged one another. but with yoga, george gets it, but never really GOT it. we have gotten into arguments over the past few years regarding the amount of time i spend doing yoga, which to him, is time i should be spending with him (ah, jealously at its finest!). he pokes fun of me here and there, and i take it. i do not expect my off the mat friends to understand why i spend so much time doing yoga, because sometimes i find it hard to explain why i do.

about a year ago, george finally gave in and went to a few classes at a midtown studio. he asked me to go with him, as he was nervous as a beginner. completely honored and so excited that an off the mat friend was going to try yoga, i went VERY willingly. to our surprise, the teacher placed us on opposite sides of the room, and i saw the disappointment and terrified look on his face. it took him awhile to return back to that studio, and eventually he stopped returning altogether.

just a few weeks ago he announced he was taking classes at the beautiful and soulful laughing lotus. all on his own he picked this studio and made this decision. he took his first class there (a lotus flow class) without me, and spoke to me after on a complete yoga high. he was hooked! he wanted to me to go with him. yes! i will! my favourite studio!

this week i placed my mat next to his for the same lotus flow class he took the week earlier. before class began the questions came as i was warming up - "what's a happy baby?" "what's a harmonium for?" pointing to a ganesh he said, "i want one of those for my apartment! what is it?!". as class began and i saw the tempo for the class - which was very sweaty, said in a lot of sanskrit & flowy, i felt a little worried for the beginner who was next to me, whose mat i placed in the second row despite his "i need to be in the back row to watch!" wishes. but immediately, this 'beginner' who knows very little about doing yoga was mirroring me when he did not understand a sanskrit pose and doing one legged chaturungas and side angle binds ~ all poses i have been working on for the past four years and JUST beginning to make progress in.

after class was over, george told me how "proud" he was by what i am capable of doing in class. i looked at him dumbfounded... "are you kidding me? do you see what you're doing next to me? you're a natural!" he floated home. tonight, we met back at the studio for a level I class. "i need to work on my basics and you need to work on your alignment!" were the words he said to get me to go with him. as we began the sound of om and chanting the teacher student om shanti shanti shanti mantra, i heard his voice loud and proud. i peeked my eyes open to glance over to find him sitting namaste, with a buddha smile on his face, at peace. being.

class wasn't the easiest, but he flowed along. i saw the sweat pouring off of both of us and could not help but he proud to share my personal practice with someone who is such a light in my life. at one point during hanumanasana pose, our teacher told us to look around the room and find someone who inspires us in this pose and to focus on their energy. struggling to find comfort in this pose, george looked at me. his eyes said it all. he found inspiration. he found the light.

i could not be more happier or proud. seeing someone grow into a yoga practice is beautiful. seeing a skeptic of yoga believe in yoga is beautiful. as we walked out of the studio together to grab a cup of tea he said, "teaching yoga is hard, but life is hard, and you're strong, so i know you can do it". as he looks at me for inspiration, he is my inspiration to teach. to place my mat in front of strangers and preach what i practice.

love & light,

m

[as a sidenote, he is now the owner of a 30 class package at laughing lotus with a heavy desire to practice twice a week. i am so excited for us to take a legendary dana flynn class together!]

no sound but the wind

i had the honour of taking an intense eight-week chakra workshop earlier this year with my beautiful goddess yoga teacher. i am not at all a professional chakra teacher - but i do know them very well, and continue to attend a weekly chakra yoga class, where each week we focus on a different chakra and practice & honor it. what i am is definitely in tune with my chakras - very well aware of which are open and closed, and work to continue to open and close other chakras that might need opening or closing. i continue to study them further and think they are so fascinating, as they are the main energy points in our body. therefore! i feel comfortable speaking about them and diving into them with those who are anxious to learn.

my one teacher began class two weeks ago with this jam as we were embracing the solar plexus, our third chakra ~ where our inner fire resides. a solar plexus yoga class is not the most favourite - based solely on core as it is located just below the sternum, extending down the navel; but do you ever realize how amazing the solar plexus truly is? it's the center of our identity & selfhood - our ego. before we become, we need to have a strong ego - and for some, this is a huge risk.

whenever our ego is challenged, or we are faced with an emotion - we immediately go to the solar plexus. it holds our trust, self-esteem, responsibility. it's a comfort. when not treated happily, it's something that can lead to eating disorders, fear and not honoring our true self. if treated beautifully, this is where we are in touch with our needs, desires and constructs about life and the world in which we live.

when we were studying this chakra, we were asked:

'what do you need from life?'

'what do you desire from life?'

'are you holding onto parental or authority messages about what is 'good' or 'right' for you? choose for yourself'.

so. powerful. these are questions i ask for you to reflect on. sit down and really reflect on. make your vision board. be daring and really dig out what YOU desire from life, regardless of what anyone else would think. (this! is where it can be a risk for some, as they believe their dreams may not be favoured by loved ones or significant others, or looked at silly for having such grandiose dreams)

developmentally, this chakra forms between the ages of 8-12. think about your life then. how did your parentals treat you? did they push you? were you independent? this all affects how your current day solar plexus. for me, this is the time when my father passed away and i moved in with my grandparents, who allowed me to blossom into my own lotus flower. i have a very healthy and strong solar plexus which is open in a tiny way. (i struggle with what i want from life, is not what is expected of me, so i hide behind my dreams - rather then follow them).

i protect my solar plexus now. it is everything that i have. it's where my dreams sleep at night and are itching to come out. it's where my secrets are kept. it is who i am.

(if you wish to meditate on the solar plexus here are some FYI's!

• the colours are yellow, gold or rose. i love to picture a yellow light beaming out of my solar plexus when i meditate on it. yellow is a mental color and is actually helpful when you are doing a sort of work that requires memorization. gold promotes healing + should be pictured as gentle sunlight. actual sunlight helps the beautiful body with metabolism, eyesight and the overall well being of the body. the colour rose also promotes healing and brings softness, which the solar plexus requires!
• the key words are: logic, reason & opinion (an independent rationale is needed to make the decisions about life that allow us to reach our full and personal potential). assimilation (the solar plexus is connected to the digestive system, the assimilation of food + nutrients & the mental assimilation of knowledge and experience.
• the element is fire (masculine energy).
• the prayer of affirmation is: "through the gift of fire let reason, logic, opinion and assimilation become truly linked to inspiration that we are not bound within limitation and separation."

let your inner fire burn bright,

m xo

self-love

the vegan asana has a great post today regarding self-love. i had a really not-one-of-my-greatest practices tonight as i am on day one of my moon cycle. very off-balance. cramps like mad. all during class negative thoughts were going through my mind... "i cant believe im the only one who cannot do a forearm side plank" "i hate that stupid birthmark on my leg that i stare at during my down dogs" "why can i have hair like hers?"

my teacher must have felt my negative energy bouncing off the walls, because as soon as class was over she hugged me and told me to go home, light a candle & listen to my cycle and my goddesses. i took a long shower. washed away the negativity. the ugliness i felt. lit some gorgeous nag champa incense and settled into bed, discovering this is the body i have. instantly, it hit home. these negative self-defeating thoughts are things i would slap a girlfriend for saying about herself! so why is it okay to tell myself things?

following advice, i came up with three good things about my body right now:

1. my very strong shoulders. they lift heavy items, they support my neck and (the best part!) they are knot free! they hold me in a crazy straight shoulder stand. they carry my nieces for piggy back rides. i work hard on my shoulders and am just beginning to show them off - oh la la!
2. my hair. tonight, i hated it. but tonight, someone complimented me on it. it's wild. it's curly. it's beautiful. it's hair that flies in the wind and keeps me warm. it's my lioness mane that allows me to channel my inner-leo!
3. my skin. during my early teenage years i had some awful skin, but after a year of painful medications and dermatologist appointments i now have really awesome glowing skin! i dont even need to wash my face with products. it's all natural, baby!

now, it's your turn. follow suite and tell yourself three beautiful, amazing and worthwhile things about yourself. it's easy. it's there. our bodies are so amazing. they come in so many different shapes, sizes, colours, lengths and features. it's up to us, the rightful owner of this body, to accept it. to love it. and to embrace it!

hug yourself tonight. youre beautiful.

xo M

how do you know?

i have been working in yoga studios for about a year and a half now. i have a strong knowledge of what level class most students are prepared for, i know mindbody like the back of my hand, i calm first-time students nerves and i always get asked "so, when are you going to teach here?"

a new teacher at my yoga hOMe asked me on monday evening if i was a teacher. i sighed. no. i explained that i am waiting for that moment to put myself through teacher training. she told me she felt the same way ~ she wasn't confident in her practice and threw herself into taking classes 5 times a week, sometimes twice a day.

wait, what?!

i am going through that phase right now. not confident with where i stand in my practice. i still struggle in inversions (always feeling safe against a wall). my hip always sticks out in warrior II. sometimes i still put weight in my wrists in down dog. i am very focused on my alignment. to work on myself and to build confidence, i take classes 5 times a week, and yes, sometimes twice a day! i am loading myself with inspiration this spring/summer - with the yoga journal conference in nyc this year, to wanderlust VT this june and the beautiful experience bhaktifestis giving me this september.

but with all my classes and these amazing yogic festivals i am going to - how will i know when the time is right to stop being a student, and finally become a teacher? i love being a student. i learn something new everyday in class. but what about my tight hamstrings? or my tight hips? or that my gorilla arms need blocks when im in a low lunge? i get worried about teaching something so grand, that i dont quite have figured out just yet in my own practice.

so, my beautiful humans, how did you know it was YOUR time to become a teacher? please share with me! i am very close and patiently waiting my moment to come to me, and i sure hope it's when im in a juicy pyramid pose!

love & light,

m

my new hOMe!

greetings, my friends!

i have missed writing. i have missed having all my writings all in one place. i am constantly growing and exploring and have decided to (finally!) settle down all thoughts and actions in one place. and here it is. my new hOMe.

i am anxious to grow alongside with you. to hold your hand and share our dreams together. welcome beauties. here's the start to a beautiful journey together.

yours truly,

m

ps: my inspirational collage of life can still be found + often updated at calmheart.tumblr.com.