i am afraid of love.

one of the questions on the laughing lotus teacher training application asks 'what would it mean to get in touch with the parts of you that are often neglected?'

immediately, i focused on the parts of me i hate. which are a lot. i compare myself to others too much. i throw myself into a pose too quickly (hello, pulled hamstring). i dont think i am good enough. i think people hate being around me. i think i am a failure at my job. i hate the way i sound when i om. im not there enough for family/friends. im too self-absorbed with my practice. im the first to put myself down. list goes on. and on.

while digging through these self-defeating thoughts i have about myself, im forgetting that my main goal in life is to love myself, and then let love flow into my life. and there it is - love. the part of myself i neglect. because i am so scared of love, i put up barrier after barrier (in this case, barriers are my self-defeating thoughts) to NOT make myself loveable - to a point where i cant even love myself.

this is real.

i am not a girl who walks around looking for love. i dont have a prince charming. hell, i barely even expectations anymore when it comes to men i date.

i am terrified of love.

i have had heart break after heart break and suffered some pretty difficult losses - especially with people i have loved. i have in my mind that if i love myself again, and let someone love me, tomorrow - they will hurt me. they will leave. i will be alone. it's what happens. it's a ritual in my life. i have in my mind that i am really not good enough for anyone, and when someone showers me with affection, i think that the person sitting next to me is probably better for them.

so, what would it mean to get in touch with a part of you that is neglected? the truth comes out. the layers begin to shed. i become honest with myself. my inner light shines. i know that i do enough ~ i am enough. i practice that uncomfortable pose. i let go of the aversion i have to the inversion - both on the mat and off the mat. i fall in love with myself, because i know that i am worthy of it. and worth it. the self-improvement starts now.

my yoga teacher was adjusting me not too long ago when she said "you are loving. you are loveable. you are loved".

it stuck with me. it was a note to self that i knew i needed to hear. i just needed to digest it. and accept it for the truth it is. i am loved. i am loveable. and i am loving... especially to myself.

love & peace,

m xo