Sweet Surrender

I had the honour of taking a few classes with Kelly Morris at Wanderlust, VT last spring. A (pardon my french!) no-bullshit Buddhist teacher, she spoke to us about the importance of setting intentions for our practice, and always sending them out to someone in need. I always had a problem with this, because if I was doing yoga FOR myself, why would I want to set my practice to someone else? I had trouble connecting with it, and began to feel selfish, always taking this powerful practice and keeping it for myself. If I would try and reach it out to someone, but it would always come back to me during meditation and savasana - based on what I needed or how I felt.

This week, I found out some disheartening news about the family of a dear friend and teacher of mine before stepping into a class. My heart immediately shattered into pieces, and I was unsure about how I was going to get through this class without crying, and was partly tempted to just go home and feel the pain. But, taking what Kelly taught me, I walked into the class, rolled out my mat, and set my intention for my friend. All during class, I truly FELT my practice. I worked harder and gave it my all - rather then just doing it. I felt each warrior two extend from my fingertips out to my friend and his family. I felt the divine lift something from me, and send it miles away to a family in need. I felt connected with myself, my practice and the individuals I set in my intention.


During meditation, an image of my friend came to me. A man who gives so much of himself, was now the center of my thoughts. As I meditated on this image, I realized it was the image of him meditating back to me. I focused on him, on his love, on his life, and sat with it. It was one of those moments where I felt so connected, and when it was time to open my eyes, I felt a true shift in my mind, body, soul and where my energy was being placed.

Sure, we can all have a yoga practice and a seated practice, but when we see it come to life, and can feel it from out of our bodies, that's a wild experience - an experience some of us strive to achieve. The rest of the week, my morning sadhana and evening classes were set for my friend. I moved so willingly and effortlessly. When I taught, I was so present and aware of the students I was teaching that I REALLY listened to their bodies. Every word I said had a purpose. There was an evening class where my teacher had us extend our arms to the sky, and send the OM's out, where my tears came down so naturally, knowing my love was being sent across the country, into a hospital, where it was needed.

It's not easy to take the practice off the mat, but this week, my practice has shifted. My perspective has shifted. I learned to let go. To surrender. To be.

Blessings,
M

PS: As a side note, my darling friend flew back to NYC this weekend for our training. When I told him about my experience, he assured me that he felt the love, the OM's and the energy. We are all connected. Always remember that. Regardless of what you believe - sending the cosmic love from your soul gets to those you send it to. They feel it. They embrace it. They know. Trust me. XO.

Rollercoastin'

One of my homework assignments for teacher training this week was to write about our spiritual rollercoaster. I remember as soon as we were told this assignment, my classmate, L, let out his signature "WOAH" sound. And wow, was that response relative for the journey I was about to share with my classmates.

Thinking about my past with my spirituality, I have had many ups and downs. Right now I am on the high, but truly afraid of what I will find once I reach the top.

In high school, I was a part of a beautiful youth group that helped me accept my adolescent years. After graduating college, I helped lead the same youth group for many years and attended and helped lead religious retreats. It was as soon as I moved into the city, that I discovered my yoga practice, I began to let go of the religion I was raised on. I tried to find a connection with the Catholic church again, but losing my grandfather, my ultimate teacher, pushed me away from the church, rather then take me in. I felt hurt and abandoned.
In grieving this death, I began to roll my mat out everyday, and have my own personal moving prayer with God as I danced through these shapes and poses. I have had more eye-opening experiences with the divine during meditation or in pigeon pose, then I have ever had in a church. I have opened my body in so many ways that I have found my personal freedom. Opportunities are extended my way, because my body and mind are open and embracing all. I float around in a constant blissful state. I have found the benefits of meditating for 30 minutes every morning at sunrise. I bow to Buddha. Shiva is my OMboy. Ganesh is the reason I am the woman I am today. With all of this learned, I am finding enlightenment.

A few months ago, I came across this interview with my teacher, Dana Flynn. There is a part in here that shook me. That made me cry. That made me realize - I am not the only one who finds God outside of the church. Dana talks about God in a way that makes God more like a friend, then a holy figure. Something I truly admire, and something I hope to achieve, as right now, I still am intimidated by this spirit who gave me a life the included so many hard lessons.



I urge you all to take a few moments and watch this video, watch these movements, and think about your own personal connection with the divine. Who do you bow to? Who is your guru? What is your daily prayer? What has your spiritual rollercoaster looked like? Where do you find God?

Shanti -
M

Let's connect!

I finally have created a little home for myself on facebook at Calm Heart Yoga! Join me there for some Lotus sequencing, wellness tips, yoga insight & inspiration from my heart to yours!

As a pretty side note, teacher training is so blissful and intense. Completely overtook my life and has already changed my life, transformed my practice and helped me find my inner power and voice. Thank you for all your constant love and support, family! I am excited to teach all of you both on and off the mat!

Namaste,
M

Yoga women, unite!

This past week I had the honor of seeing the NYC premiere of YogaWoman with my soul sister/best friend, Meg.

I remember seeing the trailer and my arm hairs flying up (which is the fancy way of me saying, I got chills and the tears were a streamin'!) I studied women's studies intensely in college (enough to minor in it) so naturally, women's issues are of my main concern. But then throw in yoga, my passion, on top of something I strongly believe in, I am sold.

This documentary, filmed by a sweet couple from Australia, focuses on the benefits of yoga for women - ranging from dealing with self esteem, raising a family, the woman's moon cycle, pregnancy and birth and yes, the good stuff - the power, strength and determination of women who practice yoga.

Throughout the film, which features interviews from some of the pioneer women teachers in yoga today, reminded me of this journey I am on. I am in teacher training right now to teach a practice that was only taught AND done by men, hundreds of years ago. I am gaining balance and muscle in my body, and I am not afraid to show my strength. I am taking my career in mental health counseling, and combining it with yoga, to one day work with individuals who have been abused, neglected or who are suffering. I am changing the world, one pose at a time.

During my first teacher training weekend a few weeks ago, we had the honor of getting to sit with Paige Elenson from the Africa Yoga Project and a dear teacher, Margaret, whom she bought to the states from Kenya. As we were discussing the future of her brilliant organization, she said this quote which really sat with me:

"Do I think yoga can change the world? No. But do I think YOGIS can change the world? Yes."

The one scene that really stuck with me, was seeing the strong and inspiring Seane Corn taking the cameras down to a community filled with HIV-infected woman. Seane, along with her team, had raised money to build a birthing center for these women, so they could have their children in safe conditions. As we saw the center being built, Seane became emotional while looking at it, amazed to her dream come into life. This strong woman, who honestly sometimes terrfies me during her classes and workshops, breaking down in tears, reminds me that as women, and as yogis, we have the power, the strength and the determination to change the world. We have the ability to take her passion, and to take it the slums of the world, and open another human beings heart and mind.

You can order your copy of YogaWoman here and also find information about hosting a screening in your local yoga studio or movie theatre. Jai Ma!

Blessings,
M

remembering 9/11.

We all have our own 9/11 story.

I grew up on Long Island, and was in my senior year of high school. On top of the world. Editor of our school newspaper. Editor of our literary magazine. Applying to colleges far away. Friends with all. Being myself. I thought I had it made.

I was walking to American History II (ironic) when a friend of mine ran down the halls, which were abnormally crowded on this particular day, to our teacher screaming "A plane just hit one of the twin towers!" I remember my teachers face, he was confused, not sure if this was a joke, and looked sick to his stomach. We all shuffled into the classroom and he turned on the news. Sure enough. It happened. As we were watching, the second plane hit. All I can honestly remember is hearing him say "This is the start to a very sick war". I numbly remember eating a bagel during lunch, trying frantically to get in touch with loved ones, but there was no cell phone service.

I can tell you how I came home to see my grandmother crying on the couch. It was her birthday, and her immediate thought was that her grandsons would be drafted for war. I can tell you how I smelled burning bodies and dying flesh, as I lived 60 miles from Manhattan. I can tell you how I didn't sleep for a week, and the slightest overhead noise bought pure panic to my heart. I can tell you I lost people I knew. I can tell you how that one day, bonded millions of humans together, and is a day that continues to do so.

Today, I ask you to sit for a moment and reflect. Think about your story. Where you were. What you were. And where you are now. Take a moment to be grateful for your precious life, and those lives around you. September 11th, 2001 was a day of pain, anger and loss. Make September 11, 2011 a day where you truly reflect on what you want in life, and make it happen. Find a cause. Give back.

Please share your story with me. Share your dreams. Your hopes. Your wishes. Your reflections. Shanti shanti shanti.

Blessings,
M

To you, Creator of nature and humanity,

of truth and beauty, I pray:

Hear my voice,

for it is the voice of the victims of all wars and violence among individuals and nations.

Hear my voice,

for it is the voice of all children who suffer

and will suffer when people put their faith

in weapons and war.

Hear my voice,

when I beg you to instill into the heart

of all human beings, the wisdom of peace,

the strength of justice and the joy of fellowship.

Hear my voice,

for I speak for the multitudes in every country

and every period of history who do not want war

and are ready to walk the road of peace.

Hear my voice,

and grant insight and strength so that we may always

respond to hatred with love, to injustice with total dedication to justice,

to need with sharing of self, to war with peace.

O God, hear my voice,

and grant unto the world your everlasting peace.

- Pope John Paul II

My love affair with the Lotus.

Tomorrow I start my fabulous (& some-what nervewrecking!) 200-hour teacher training journey at the eccentric and soulful Laughing Lotus located here in NYC.

Teacher training has always been a thought in the back of my mind, but with so many studios in the city, and so many brilliant teachers, I didn't just want to settle for a studio, without giving it my heart and soul. Afterall, this was going to be the foundation for growth, movement and where I find myself as a yoga student and eventually, a yoga teacher.

My love affair with the Lotus (as my best friend, G, and I call it) began last spring when I took advantage of their free classes in a nearby park. All I had to do was hear Dana Flynn's voice, and I knew I was hOMe. At this time, I was considering teacher training, but was not so confident with my practice, despite being accepted into ISHTA's 200-hour program, with the mindful Alan Finger. My heart wasn't in it. I wasn't excited. I was too nervous. So, I declined. I then thought about receiving certification from Reflections Yoga and the beautiful Paula Tursi, where I was working as a karmi yoga. But again, something held me back. All this time, I kept 'stalking' the Laughing Lotus website, in awe of their workshops, their devotional classes and their well-known teacher training program. But, that application? Intimidated me. Completely. I would attempt a question and shut down. No thank you. Too hard.

After losing my grandfather in December, I dove into my practice. I began practicing every day, sometimes twice a day. I found myself in my practice, a part of me I thought I had lost. Being part of a New Moon Women's Group, one new moon back in March, I manifested that I would apply to Laughing Lotus. It was on. The next day I purchased my first 30-class card, and began spending one day per question on their application. Eventually, the wisdOM grew, the answers came from my heart, my soul ripped open and my application was completed and it was bright and colorful.

I found myself in their shatki-soaked studio, growing, laughing, crying and finding my true self. Sure, I can't do every inversion, but I always give it a try. Which is what I had to do in this case, so, I submitted the application. I put more time and effort into that application then I had done with any college or grad school application, which is how I knew, yoga and I are meant to be.

It was at Wanderlust in VT, right before a Cosmic Class with Dana when I learned of my acceptance. The class following my acceptance is one I will never forget. It was a rainy week in VT, and in the middle of Dana's juicy class, the sun came out. Everyone cheered, some cried. Dana opened the doors and yogi's began practicing on the deck. Dana pumped up the jams, which ended with a group sing-a-long to Fleetwood Mac (for the record, they are my favourite band, and it was the jam Landslide) and a room filled with love. It was a sign, I truly had never felt more excited for an unknown journey, and never felt more at home then I had in that class.

When I told my current teachers about my journey, they could not have been more then supportive and excited. Just yesterday in Angelina's powerful class, she counted down the days until I begin this journey, and she continues to radiate more excitement then I could have ever expected. And not just Angelina, but to all my teachers, I thank you. For supporting me on this journey, for believing in me, and for gently pushing me into handstand when you know I need it. I forever bow to you. I am forever in debt to your love.

And Laughing Lotus - bring it on. I am ready. Eyes wide open. Heart set to a beginner. Let's start this wild ride!

Peace & om,
m

Having loved enough and lost enough,
I'm no longer searching
just opening,

no longer trying to make sense of pain
but trying to be a soft and sturdy home
in which real things can land.

These are the irritations
that rub into a pearl.

So we can talk for a while
but then we must listen,
the way rocks listen to the sea.

And we can churn at all that goes wrong
but then we must lay all distractions
down and water every living seed.

And yes, on nights like tonight
I too feel alone. But seldom do I
face it squarely enough
to see that it's a door
into the endless breath
that has no breather,
into the surf that human
shells call God.

Expect resistance from all corners and comers when you begin to change yourself, due to the fear of losing you if you become great. Some friends will be left behind, but new ones will appear. Don't stop.

-Kelly Morris

growth.

As I embrace my late 20's this Saturday, it had me thinking of all that I have done, seen and accomplished this past year. It has been, hands down, a very trying year. But those tough times, the times when you don't think you can see another day, are the times that make you stronger.

After losing my grandfather, I re-evaluated my life. Why am I here? What can I give? Am I true? My grandparents taught me to follow my dreams, and the death of my grandfather taught me that NOW was the moment. So, I took my dreams. I ran with them. I didn't look back. I did some things impulsively. I traveled recklessly. I expanded my mind and put my thoughts and actions out there. I LIVED.

The accomplishments? I traveled to VT for the beautiful Wanderlust festival. I enrolled in Laughing Lotus' distinguished teacher training. I held hands with many cute boys. I stood up for myself. I coloured my hair. I cut out negative individuals from my life. I gave myself a name in the local manhattan yoga community. I found MY own community. I worked out those chakras. I danced till my feet hurt. I found my own rhythm. I saw love unravel. I lived in a tent for a week in the woods on a lake. I spent a whole day beginning and finishing a novel. I cried in public. I donated to charity. I reconnected with old friends. I forgave. I accepted. I found something I was passionate about. I woke up every morning and meditated. I ran (until a hamstring injury!). I spent weekends in the country. I accepted flaws. I accepted others. I accepted stillness. I wandered. I got lost. I opened my door, heart and arms to new people. I accepted being alone. I mended that broken heart. I found freedom. I researched. I gave. I took. I said no. I manifested. I counseled. I taught.
I began to finally feel free.

Thank you, friends, for sticking through with me this year. Thank you to my beloved mama and grandfather for being my angels through this journey. Thank you universe, for sticking me here, right now. I have found my reason.

peace & om,
m

Who are you?

I had the honour to take a class with Elena Brower in the city a few weeks ago on an absolutely gorgeous early summer evening. She said something that really stuck with me. She was speaking about WHO you are on the mat is how AND who you should be in your everyday life, and if you are a different person off the mat, what's the point?

It really had me thinking - how many people are not living their authentic lives? How many people are one person on the mat and a totally different person off the mat? Maybe because their family or loved ones don't support their yoga practice, or because they are afraid to show their true light? Why practice something you can't use in your everyday life?

I took this class with one of my beloved teachers, and on the way home we were discussing it. It lead to the discussion about taking your yoga off the mat and using it in the everyday life. I asked her, 'What is yoga?'. We both agreed that yoga is what we were doing right then & there - sitting on a crowded rush-hour train, packed with strangers, using our breath and patience and shining our inner light towards others. Yoga is calling your family. Yoga is a 4 pm staff meeting at your workplace. Yoga is having that difficult conversation. Yoga is being at peace. Yoga is in you and all around you.

Shine on,

M

New Perspectives

I took part in a Relay for Life last night/this morning in Westchester County with my family. I lost my grandfather this past December, and although the cancer he had did not take his life, (a stroke did), he was a man living with cancer. Cancer has changed my life - it took away my paternal grandfather and took away the mother to my very best friend - a woman who showed strength and unconditional love until her last breath. It has taken away so many people who are frankly, too young, to be taken away. It has broken families apart, broken hearts and is a true test of strength - for both the victims and caregivers.

I didn't know what I was signing up when I told my aunt I would go in on this with her. I figured it would be a good exercise (12 hours of walking, yes please!) and a fun night to spend with some of the women in my family I dig hangin' out with. The second I walked onto the track, my perspective was shifted.

The whole night was a celebration of life. There were a crazy amount of survivors, individuals who I don't know, but individuals who motivated me to keep going because of their strength and ability to combat a deadly disease. Everyday heroes. These people have been through the gutter and back, and luckily have survived this deadly disease. Seeing them walk the first lap, with such pride on their faces as complete strangers applauded them and cheered for them, made me realize how damn lucky I am to walk this planet.

If you're familiar with this event - you may know about the luminary walk. Probably the second most emotional aspect of this event after the survivor lap. It's a walk done after 10 p.m., where you dedicate a bag with a candle in it to someone battling cancer, someone who survived cancer, or someone who lost their life to cancer (the luminary we made for my grampy is the image above). The entire track is pitch black, except for these luminary bags with candles in them lighting the path. Instant heartbreak - seeing names, hundreds upon hundreds of names, and knowing that they all have been impacted by cancer - whether they are living or not.

As I walked until the wee hours of the morning last night in 43 degree weather, there were many points where I wanted to bag it, go home and sleep in a warm bed. But I thought about these people. These people who don't have a chance to see the sunset set because they are stuck in hospice. These children who won't have their mother there for them when they grow up because their mother has passed. I kept going. I got through it. I survived, and knew my struggle was not any different or difficult then the person's next to me - in fact, their struggle may have been more difficult.

There were a group of young people who stood out to me through the 12 hours. They had to have been in middle school, mourning the loss of a classmate. Through the luminary walk, they cried, hugging each other and sharing memories. They sat around their classmate's luminary bag for hours, just crying and telling each other it was okay to cry and let it out. I wanted to hug each and every them. I wanted to tell them how sorry I was for them, and how I felt their pain. I wanted to tell them that they were too young to know about losing a classmate, someone their age, to cancer. How it wasn't fair. But at the same time, I wanted to tell them that they should celebrate their life - that this is what their friend would have wanted.

Sometimes, I think we take life a little too much for granted. Tonight, I looked out while on the subway, and saw the sunset. I noticed just how beautiful it looked settling behind NYC buildings and took it in. How often do I miss the sunset? Everyday I just take it for granted. If I am taking the sunset for granted - what else am I taking for granted in my life?

If you have the opportunity to take part in this beautiful event - I urge you to do so. This morning, despite my shivering body and tight muscles, I felt grateful. I made new friends. I heard stories about survival and loss. I made it a point to appreciate things & people I may not have appreciated or even noticed before. I took in a new breath of air - a breath of gratitude, love and strength.

namaste.

m xo

"Sometimes I need

only to stand

wherever I am

to be blessed."

~ mary oliver

where have i been?!

MAY-nifesting dreams and changes at the yoga journal conference. meg & i had the distinct honor of spending the day with elena brower, seane corn, kathryn budig & faith hunter at the women & leadership intensive.

my body is wiped and my bones are tired, so more is en route! (but i couldnt help but share this cutie pie pic of meg & i from this morning!)

love + light,

M

Yoga isn't about executing the poses perfectly, or having the best balance. Yoga is connecting with yourself. Yoga is like learning to breathe again. Or that moment when you jump out of bed in the morning, rush outside to do the sun salution and you're blinded by how utterly brilliant the world can be. Yoga is taking a moment from your stressful, up-beat life and remembering you have a soul that needs tending to.

gratitude is the best attitude!

i walked into work one day exclaiming "GRATITUDE IS THE BEST ATTITUDE!" to my clients, all people who used to live on the streets and currently have little to look forward to in life. with a big grin on my face and my arms in the air (i was also probably dancing around them as i said this) they looked at me like i had ten heads. i could hear the whispers "what is this white girl preaching about NOW?"

but it's true. a belief i stand strongly by. and my current focus is working with my clients to teach them how to express gratitude, for what little or nothing they have in their lives.

for some of us, we're lucky. we have an abundant life filled with so many blessings. sometimes i want to cry when i look around at my supportive friends, my loving family, some extremely talented + patient teachers, my quaint apartment and my beautiful feline children. i am SO lucky. i have had a rocky life and am so thankful to have turned into the blossoming woman that i am today. i bow to the family and teachers who have helped guide me, challenge me and hold my hand on this journey.

a few years ago, i was helping run a retreat for teens that was focused on gratitude. we took the teens to the lake and asked them to find a rock that resonated to them - which soon became their gratitude rock. to this day, many months days and years later, i keep this gratitude rock in my coat pocket, and everytime i touch it, i name three things i am thankful for that day. my rule: i can never repeat something in the same day. if i switch coats, my rock comes with me. in summer i keep it in a bag.

a simple exercise like this allows us to take a few minutes in our hectic lives to express that gratitude and take a moment to reflect on what we are truly thankful for.

today, what are you thankful for? how do you express gratitude?

(i am taking the time to be thankful for: learning self love, sunshine, fresh strawberries, caring co-workers, a healing hamstring & a peaceful home + mind).

love & light,

m XO

happy new moon in taurus!

as we begin this gorgeous month of may, we begin to see the earth blossom and unfold right before our very eyes... especially, if we are one of those human beings who are lucky enough to have all four seasons. we can feel spring, see spring and certainly smell spring.

as with any new month, we also are blessed with a gorgeous new moon. this month our new moon took place on tuesday, may 3rd at 1:51 a.m. and is in TAURUS. how did you take it in? did you moon salute to that gorgeous beauty in the sky yet? (no? get on it!)

if you are like me, i set an intention every new moon. i also meet with a group of powerful women during the new moon inside my yoga studio, and we share every dream possible by candlelight. we cry, we laugh and we help each other grow. we pick a goddess card for the month, and set our intentions, while washing away what does not serve us.

as the new moon is in taurus, i am focusing on my future. what i am desiring. i am being held back from my self-doubt, so i am washing that away and riding myself of self-sabotage. i want to be free and i want to live my life with passion, doing what i love.

my intentions for the month lay here. (all information comes from jan spiller's book - new moon astrology.

taurus rules ACCUMULATION, including:

money, material comforts, ownership, possessions.

sample wishes to appropriately increase money & possessions:

"i want to easily find myself creating financial independence in a happy way!"; "i want to attract & purchase the right _____ (possession) at a price i can afford!"; "i want to easily find myself living in comfortable surroundings."

taurus rules the PHYSICAL SENSES, including:

sensuality, heightened tactile enjoyment, massage, physical comfort, aromas, tastes.

sample wishes to appropriately increase sensual experience and enjoyment:

"i want to begin purchasing clothes that feel comfortable and sensual against my skin"; "i want to find myself enjoying and appreciating the tastes, smells, and textures of the food i eat."

taurus rules the ENJOYMENT OF LIFE ON EARTH including:

appreciation, gratitude, simple physical pleasures, rapport with nature, satisfaction, contentment.

samples wishes to appropriately enhance enjoyment of life:

"i want to enjoy and appreciate my life"; "i want to count my blessings and feel thankful for the good things that are in my life"; i want to easily find myself consciously and consistently appreciating the abundance of life and Mother Nature."

taurus rules SELF-WORTH including:

awareness of personal needs, setting appropriate boundries, strong values, determination, self-acceptance.

*HUGE FOCUS FOR LITTLE OLE ME THIS MONTH!

sample wishes to appropriately increase self worth:

"i want to find what's important to me, and easily find myself living according to those values"; "i want to consciously and consistently experience feelings of self-worth in every area in my life."

taurus also rules in: building (solid foundations, persistence, progressing step by step, thoroughness, perseverance), reliability (patience, dependability, trustworthiness, steadfastness), inflexibility (stubbornness, attachment, resistance to change, possessiveness), restoring health (coughs, throat, chin + neck, thyroid gland, voice & vocal cords).

so, where do you stand this month? what do you want to may-nifest? change? work on? it's all new. and it all starts today, right now, with you and your wildest dreams.

"tell me ~ what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -mary oliver.

om om om,

m xo

how to be alone, a poem by tanya davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient.

If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren’t okay with it, then just wait. You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books; you’re not supposed to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.

There is also the gym, if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.

Then there’s public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if your hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously avoided based on your avoid being alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town, and they, like you, will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out for dinner; a restaurant with linen and Silverware. You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger. In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one’s watching because they’re probably not. And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats, is after-all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you’re sweating. And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things. Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you. Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though. Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements. Like people must have problems if after awhile nobody is dating them.

But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.

You can stand swathed by groups and mobs or hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.

But no one is in your head. And by the time you translate your thoughts an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept. Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those “sappy slogans” from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.

Cause if you’re happy in your head, then solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.

It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences unique, no one has the same synapses, can’t think like you, for this be relived, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things in reach, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, and the community is not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.

Take silence and respect it.

If you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.

You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it.

If your heart is bleeding, make the best of it.

There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

i am afraid of love.

one of the questions on the laughing lotus teacher training application asks 'what would it mean to get in touch with the parts of you that are often neglected?'

immediately, i focused on the parts of me i hate. which are a lot. i compare myself to others too much. i throw myself into a pose too quickly (hello, pulled hamstring). i dont think i am good enough. i think people hate being around me. i think i am a failure at my job. i hate the way i sound when i om. im not there enough for family/friends. im too self-absorbed with my practice. im the first to put myself down. list goes on. and on.

while digging through these self-defeating thoughts i have about myself, im forgetting that my main goal in life is to love myself, and then let love flow into my life. and there it is - love. the part of myself i neglect. because i am so scared of love, i put up barrier after barrier (in this case, barriers are my self-defeating thoughts) to NOT make myself loveable - to a point where i cant even love myself.

this is real.

i am not a girl who walks around looking for love. i dont have a prince charming. hell, i barely even expectations anymore when it comes to men i date.

i am terrified of love.

i have had heart break after heart break and suffered some pretty difficult losses - especially with people i have loved. i have in my mind that if i love myself again, and let someone love me, tomorrow - they will hurt me. they will leave. i will be alone. it's what happens. it's a ritual in my life. i have in my mind that i am really not good enough for anyone, and when someone showers me with affection, i think that the person sitting next to me is probably better for them.

so, what would it mean to get in touch with a part of you that is neglected? the truth comes out. the layers begin to shed. i become honest with myself. my inner light shines. i know that i do enough ~ i am enough. i practice that uncomfortable pose. i let go of the aversion i have to the inversion - both on the mat and off the mat. i fall in love with myself, because i know that i am worthy of it. and worth it. the self-improvement starts now.

my yoga teacher was adjusting me not too long ago when she said "you are loving. you are loveable. you are loved".

it stuck with me. it was a note to self that i knew i needed to hear. i just needed to digest it. and accept it for the truth it is. i am loved. i am loveable. and i am loving... especially to myself.

love & peace,

m xo

yoga'ing with my best friend.

i have met some really amazing people both on and off the mat. my friends who i have met on the mat are some of the truly most amazing and inspiring people. they are also the people who GET me & support these whacky dreams of mine. however! i do have to say the same about my friends off the mat - my friends who have known me before i began my relationship with yoga and during some of my most darkest times.

my best friend from off the mat is the sweetest little heart named george. i met him when i was twelve and an awkward seventh grader. (we're now 27). he's my absolute soulmate, life partner (even though he lives with his partner and their puppy) and my traveling companion. we've lost parents together, we've cried together and we've challenged one another. but with yoga, george gets it, but never really GOT it. we have gotten into arguments over the past few years regarding the amount of time i spend doing yoga, which to him, is time i should be spending with him (ah, jealously at its finest!). he pokes fun of me here and there, and i take it. i do not expect my off the mat friends to understand why i spend so much time doing yoga, because sometimes i find it hard to explain why i do.

about a year ago, george finally gave in and went to a few classes at a midtown studio. he asked me to go with him, as he was nervous as a beginner. completely honored and so excited that an off the mat friend was going to try yoga, i went VERY willingly. to our surprise, the teacher placed us on opposite sides of the room, and i saw the disappointment and terrified look on his face. it took him awhile to return back to that studio, and eventually he stopped returning altogether.

just a few weeks ago he announced he was taking classes at the beautiful and soulful laughing lotus. all on his own he picked this studio and made this decision. he took his first class there (a lotus flow class) without me, and spoke to me after on a complete yoga high. he was hooked! he wanted to me to go with him. yes! i will! my favourite studio!

this week i placed my mat next to his for the same lotus flow class he took the week earlier. before class began the questions came as i was warming up - "what's a happy baby?" "what's a harmonium for?" pointing to a ganesh he said, "i want one of those for my apartment! what is it?!". as class began and i saw the tempo for the class - which was very sweaty, said in a lot of sanskrit & flowy, i felt a little worried for the beginner who was next to me, whose mat i placed in the second row despite his "i need to be in the back row to watch!" wishes. but immediately, this 'beginner' who knows very little about doing yoga was mirroring me when he did not understand a sanskrit pose and doing one legged chaturungas and side angle binds ~ all poses i have been working on for the past four years and JUST beginning to make progress in.

after class was over, george told me how "proud" he was by what i am capable of doing in class. i looked at him dumbfounded... "are you kidding me? do you see what you're doing next to me? you're a natural!" he floated home. tonight, we met back at the studio for a level I class. "i need to work on my basics and you need to work on your alignment!" were the words he said to get me to go with him. as we began the sound of om and chanting the teacher student om shanti shanti shanti mantra, i heard his voice loud and proud. i peeked my eyes open to glance over to find him sitting namaste, with a buddha smile on his face, at peace. being.

class wasn't the easiest, but he flowed along. i saw the sweat pouring off of both of us and could not help but he proud to share my personal practice with someone who is such a light in my life. at one point during hanumanasana pose, our teacher told us to look around the room and find someone who inspires us in this pose and to focus on their energy. struggling to find comfort in this pose, george looked at me. his eyes said it all. he found inspiration. he found the light.

i could not be more happier or proud. seeing someone grow into a yoga practice is beautiful. seeing a skeptic of yoga believe in yoga is beautiful. as we walked out of the studio together to grab a cup of tea he said, "teaching yoga is hard, but life is hard, and you're strong, so i know you can do it". as he looks at me for inspiration, he is my inspiration to teach. to place my mat in front of strangers and preach what i practice.

love & light,

m

[as a sidenote, he is now the owner of a 30 class package at laughing lotus with a heavy desire to practice twice a week. i am so excited for us to take a legendary dana flynn class together!]

no sound but the wind

i had the honour of taking an intense eight-week chakra workshop earlier this year with my beautiful goddess yoga teacher. i am not at all a professional chakra teacher - but i do know them very well, and continue to attend a weekly chakra yoga class, where each week we focus on a different chakra and practice & honor it. what i am is definitely in tune with my chakras - very well aware of which are open and closed, and work to continue to open and close other chakras that might need opening or closing. i continue to study them further and think they are so fascinating, as they are the main energy points in our body. therefore! i feel comfortable speaking about them and diving into them with those who are anxious to learn.

my one teacher began class two weeks ago with this jam as we were embracing the solar plexus, our third chakra ~ where our inner fire resides. a solar plexus yoga class is not the most favourite - based solely on core as it is located just below the sternum, extending down the navel; but do you ever realize how amazing the solar plexus truly is? it's the center of our identity & selfhood - our ego. before we become, we need to have a strong ego - and for some, this is a huge risk.

whenever our ego is challenged, or we are faced with an emotion - we immediately go to the solar plexus. it holds our trust, self-esteem, responsibility. it's a comfort. when not treated happily, it's something that can lead to eating disorders, fear and not honoring our true self. if treated beautifully, this is where we are in touch with our needs, desires and constructs about life and the world in which we live.

when we were studying this chakra, we were asked:

'what do you need from life?'

'what do you desire from life?'

'are you holding onto parental or authority messages about what is 'good' or 'right' for you? choose for yourself'.

so. powerful. these are questions i ask for you to reflect on. sit down and really reflect on. make your vision board. be daring and really dig out what YOU desire from life, regardless of what anyone else would think. (this! is where it can be a risk for some, as they believe their dreams may not be favoured by loved ones or significant others, or looked at silly for having such grandiose dreams)

developmentally, this chakra forms between the ages of 8-12. think about your life then. how did your parentals treat you? did they push you? were you independent? this all affects how your current day solar plexus. for me, this is the time when my father passed away and i moved in with my grandparents, who allowed me to blossom into my own lotus flower. i have a very healthy and strong solar plexus which is open in a tiny way. (i struggle with what i want from life, is not what is expected of me, so i hide behind my dreams - rather then follow them).

i protect my solar plexus now. it is everything that i have. it's where my dreams sleep at night and are itching to come out. it's where my secrets are kept. it is who i am.

(if you wish to meditate on the solar plexus here are some FYI's!

• the colours are yellow, gold or rose. i love to picture a yellow light beaming out of my solar plexus when i meditate on it. yellow is a mental color and is actually helpful when you are doing a sort of work that requires memorization. gold promotes healing + should be pictured as gentle sunlight. actual sunlight helps the beautiful body with metabolism, eyesight and the overall well being of the body. the colour rose also promotes healing and brings softness, which the solar plexus requires!
• the key words are: logic, reason & opinion (an independent rationale is needed to make the decisions about life that allow us to reach our full and personal potential). assimilation (the solar plexus is connected to the digestive system, the assimilation of food + nutrients & the mental assimilation of knowledge and experience.
• the element is fire (masculine energy).
• the prayer of affirmation is: "through the gift of fire let reason, logic, opinion and assimilation become truly linked to inspiration that we are not bound within limitation and separation."

let your inner fire burn bright,

m xo

self-love

the vegan asana has a great post today regarding self-love. i had a really not-one-of-my-greatest practices tonight as i am on day one of my moon cycle. very off-balance. cramps like mad. all during class negative thoughts were going through my mind... "i cant believe im the only one who cannot do a forearm side plank" "i hate that stupid birthmark on my leg that i stare at during my down dogs" "why can i have hair like hers?"

my teacher must have felt my negative energy bouncing off the walls, because as soon as class was over she hugged me and told me to go home, light a candle & listen to my cycle and my goddesses. i took a long shower. washed away the negativity. the ugliness i felt. lit some gorgeous nag champa incense and settled into bed, discovering this is the body i have. instantly, it hit home. these negative self-defeating thoughts are things i would slap a girlfriend for saying about herself! so why is it okay to tell myself things?

following advice, i came up with three good things about my body right now:

1. my very strong shoulders. they lift heavy items, they support my neck and (the best part!) they are knot free! they hold me in a crazy straight shoulder stand. they carry my nieces for piggy back rides. i work hard on my shoulders and am just beginning to show them off - oh la la!
2. my hair. tonight, i hated it. but tonight, someone complimented me on it. it's wild. it's curly. it's beautiful. it's hair that flies in the wind and keeps me warm. it's my lioness mane that allows me to channel my inner-leo!
3. my skin. during my early teenage years i had some awful skin, but after a year of painful medications and dermatologist appointments i now have really awesome glowing skin! i dont even need to wash my face with products. it's all natural, baby!

now, it's your turn. follow suite and tell yourself three beautiful, amazing and worthwhile things about yourself. it's easy. it's there. our bodies are so amazing. they come in so many different shapes, sizes, colours, lengths and features. it's up to us, the rightful owner of this body, to accept it. to love it. and to embrace it!

hug yourself tonight. youre beautiful.

xo M

how do you know?

i have been working in yoga studios for about a year and a half now. i have a strong knowledge of what level class most students are prepared for, i know mindbody like the back of my hand, i calm first-time students nerves and i always get asked "so, when are you going to teach here?"

a new teacher at my yoga hOMe asked me on monday evening if i was a teacher. i sighed. no. i explained that i am waiting for that moment to put myself through teacher training. she told me she felt the same way ~ she wasn't confident in her practice and threw herself into taking classes 5 times a week, sometimes twice a day.

wait, what?!

i am going through that phase right now. not confident with where i stand in my practice. i still struggle in inversions (always feeling safe against a wall). my hip always sticks out in warrior II. sometimes i still put weight in my wrists in down dog. i am very focused on my alignment. to work on myself and to build confidence, i take classes 5 times a week, and yes, sometimes twice a day! i am loading myself with inspiration this spring/summer - with the yoga journal conference in nyc this year, to wanderlust VT this june and the beautiful experience bhaktifestis giving me this september.

but with all my classes and these amazing yogic festivals i am going to - how will i know when the time is right to stop being a student, and finally become a teacher? i love being a student. i learn something new everyday in class. but what about my tight hamstrings? or my tight hips? or that my gorilla arms need blocks when im in a low lunge? i get worried about teaching something so grand, that i dont quite have figured out just yet in my own practice.

so, my beautiful humans, how did you know it was YOUR time to become a teacher? please share with me! i am very close and patiently waiting my moment to come to me, and i sure hope it's when im in a juicy pyramid pose!

love & light,

m

my new hOMe!

greetings, my friends!

i have missed writing. i have missed having all my writings all in one place. i am constantly growing and exploring and have decided to (finally!) settle down all thoughts and actions in one place. and here it is. my new hOMe.

i am anxious to grow alongside with you. to hold your hand and share our dreams together. welcome beauties. here's the start to a beautiful journey together.

yours truly,

m

ps: my inspirational collage of life can still be found + often updated at calmheart.tumblr.com.